Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Bouncing burglars, pubs and football

From: Closed circuit

If you were a burglar and looking to break into someone’s home, what luck would it be to find a 3ft-wide trampoline to help you jump through a window? 

Probably not much. Matthew Nice, a health and safety inspector who lives in a London & Quadrant Group house in Wickford, Essex, claimed his landlord told him to get rid of daughter Yasmin’s trampoline because neighbours feared passing opportunists could use it for this very reason.

Spoilsports L&Q deny this. A spokesperson said: ‘The trampoline is in a communal area on our land and our only concern was that when it is left unattended other children could use it and may hurt themselves.

‘We simply asked him if he could bring it inside when she [his daughter] has finished playing on it.’

In times of recession, it’s good to know the Homes and Communities Agency has its priorities straight.

A recent press release welcomes the extra money for house building from Gordon Brown and promises it will be spent where it is most needed: ‘The HCA is ready to begin delivering a significantly enlarged programme of public house building immediately.’ Cheers!

Liverpool Mutual Homes, a stock transfer landlord that began operation in April last year, has acknowledged the community cohesion issues involved in working across a bipolar football-mad city.

But take a look at the organisation’s logo - the ‘M’ represents an Everton fan shaking hands with a Liverpool FC supporter.

It’s not enough for the landlord’s Evertonian staff, however.

Dave Woods, head of investment at LMH, confided recently to Closed Circuit that there are plans afoot among his Toffees-supporting colleagues to spread the blue gradually from left to right across the logo.

The plotters could find their window next year - presumably Liverpool FC and her fans will be too busy in Europe to notice.

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